ima_human

uhum,
 thank you to all concerned

but as it stands i have much to live for.
the last post was intended for me, mostly, and for memory's sake.
Alex, your british ass needs a good british beating. We cant all be manly stay at home moms (without kids whats your excuse alex haHA).
Erica, i do thank thee though for the sentiment. good to know on a base level 'ima human' is a message on the inside that resonates through troubles, aka, that "help" (if theoretical) is something that would willingly be shared from one human hand to another.
like this profile pic, one hand to potentially another. ironically, just like the pic, this situation is the same, the hand is not reaching towards someone for saving but is rather flung at the sky in careless abandonment and appreciation for its beauty.

the scene iz
it happened as thus:
eye happened upon a piece of paper
and lo!
Written in frustration and in haste; a semi poem.
i liked the sound of this i'd written it in earnest
 it describes how i felt in that EXACT moment, it sounds like me coming through a scrap of paper, a small window to an echo of what i felt then.
so
lo!

and i am done
fin.

i think that i will just kill myself. I'm sick of being naive and insecure

but i cling to it and return the veil of it to my mind in fear when i see a desolate and unhappy surrounding

how naive of me.

that is all.

i saw a very small bird die today, when i was biking.
i was almost to i-95 and it happened. i look to the side and two birds are chirping and chasing each other, they swoop out of the tree twirling, and shhhp, a car is right up on them and the last bird is sucked into the left front wheel and spit out. I was in the one position to see it all clear as the day. The driver didn't even notice. I guess its not a deer or a moose, but..
it was so quiet.
So quick, then gone. Lifeless out in the middle of the road, and no one's there suddenly. Just me and my bike. Something needed to be done. I've been in the position so many times when i want to move freshly dead animals to the side bt i was afraid of people asking me why blahblah. Like I'm seven and there's a small bird at the bottom of the stairs at camp. or i'm biking in backcountry, going around a curve. or walking.
well fuck it-i walk to the centre of the road and pull it into privacy in the grass to the side; lay it down. I saw it die. There was no excuse.
rest in peace. i love birds.

i biked to fitness edge to do mat pilates with Maria sin Joan (this time). The muscle guy at the front didn't have to let us both in, but he did. Biked back after, i think it's ...like, probably four miles approx. in all. Or three. Or five.

Misunderstanding just runs through our whole relationship like fine water. Especially after reading the book "the unbearable lightness of being" where everyone's cheating on the other and there is a short dictionary  of misunderstood words entombed inside...i dunno. My life, especially mi love life shouldn't be, and isn't that morbid. If i choose you-its you i chose and i like YOU. Don't doubt, and don't back off. I like PDAs, i believe. Not being afraid to hold me, to kiss me. Life is simply life.
I think i beklieve in true love. i never really thought about it. i just assumed i would find myself in a loving and true relationship. i mean, i know what i want, i know i want to give and be real about it...i always just sort of felt as an undercurrent in my life that i would be happy with relationship in my life.
p.s. While it is possible to base a whole relationship on a misunderstanding, like "i was told to meet you here but we met on the train on the way and you told me your name was theresa, then we met up at the place and you laughed and came clean that your name is joan." or even that "i thought you hated me but you loved me intensely". That could work. but having a constant misunderstanding is unbearable.
"I thought you were unsure of whether i liked you or not, so i took the hand that was tentatively on my leg and i licked the back of it to make you sure. As in 'i chose you as my man, why are you doubting whether you'll lose me' . But you secretly didn't like the gesture, are still unsure and you never said anything. So you found yourself doubting and backing away"
or in the book "Sabina mad love passionately to him, knowing it would be the last time. He made love sobbing, thinking her passion was her unleashing of all she had held back, because she was finally giving herself to him." ugh. i hate that.
great.
i cant wait to cuddle with cally and steve at the YA. chshhsppp. joseppe. jacob. channel. puddle. poodle. paddle. handle. dipping into the water tentatively, then furiously calling out my name as we race each other, me from you and you to me.  haHA im to the shore and i glide in, smiling back at you three.

Just saw the color purple. movie.
It was terribly depressing and sexist, and then magical and wonderful at the end.
it was an early speilberg flix.- let me intercede a theory here about the presidential race that existed between barak obama and hilary clinton.
Now, in a very poplular and widely respected magazine here at my side, we see that african issues are taking flight and people care o so very much. now, who sparked this interest in africa? interest in Africa? connecting back to african americans? now its taken flight and america is actually interested, hooray, but...
this goes for barack obama bvery nicely. another prelude to his success is the assimilation and appreciation of "black" music. rap, hip hop whatever else. itas obvios our contry is ready for a president either not male or not white.its odd that the magazine pushes for his favor in a suvtle way. The interest in african problems helps people so thats good.
on the other hand, we are more more more than ready as a country for a female in charge. A smart, powerful woman that will help the country the most. Bill helped financially, which is what we need. who are we to help africa if it would just cause us to crumble i nthe process because we cant help ourselves?
IF i were in an argument with a charismatic and quick witted person who was on barack obama's side and was trying to 'convert me', they could look me full in the face after finding a solution to, that something in me that calls for gender equality. they could say, but is hilary a strong woman? she stayed with her husband after that crap with cheating which may or may NOT have been for a strong reason. or rather, since it is subjective whether anyone is a strong person, let alone a strong woman since we all are...would it BE her running the country? people speculate...would bill be interfering.she helped with his campaigne, and he would with hers. is he trying to use her as n extension?
she's qualified, so...no. but apparently bush was qualified enough too, and he's a fucking tool.
i would rather gender equality prevail, because that exists, regardless of county boundaries., and we can all learn a thing or two from another.

my glands are really, really swollen. i believe they'll calm down soon, but what the spark?
Im taking out my dreds. haHA o won. my hair is fine enough that they come out like water coming out. let it rain.
um good night.
oh, rollerbladed. it was magical.
and rode my bike on i-95 for an exit. sooo much easier and, ...i dunno... scandalous.
pzz

salacious

a lovable word

the bike was ...unfixable.
so we have a neeewwww one- took it for a ride! 

such, a classy ride.
So smooth, and easy on the uphills. Like a man should be. So smooth.
Saw the movie Deja Vu. I think of that night in Matt's attic. Deja Vu.
That's probably part of the reason I can't get him out of my head. I wish him well. I don't know how he sees me, but there's no need for him to be confused. I don't reject who he is, he is such a good person, and I value that.
Or suddenly I see the bus home from Maine.
"What's your name?"
"My name's Tasia."
"That's a fly name."
"I'm a fly girl"
"Hah, it's good that you know that."
"I love your hair-i love hair that jumps out in all directions.."
p.s. why the hell can't i shut the fuck up about him in my head. His is the type of name that spins and spins through your head. again and again. I wonder if my russian name does the same. So strong. so positive. so impressionable. So changing. i feel like i can do anything i set my mind to when i think of him. It's nothing more than the memory of him...it must be, since its more an image in my head, an imagined word of encouragment. but, is it?
I feel like i'm connected to him, and I'm not privy to doubting myself. Like I'm connected to alexis or alex. If I check up on how they are, I have a connection like they'r ein the other room. Alexis is, actually, in this moment, in the other room.
I'm going to dance tonight, and practice aromatherapy at Kits house.
and see JESI!!! my god...my little sister, so wise. i love her. for her, its like im beside her as well. even now.
I do believe in love.
i want to be like the wise perple people in Deja Vu.
but hey, I am..
i amm

i went rollerblading all over town, but it was soo awkward going downhill because there's no space to maneuver and i'm not tremendous at slowing down on blades. I got to where i needed to go etc.
oh, and i went running on the windy summer night. the stars were out.
and Alex G called me this morning. When he called me over the family thing he was confronting it face to face. i hope it destroyed his demons as well as it destroyed mine. to have him just face up to it eased my mind a thousand fold over this thing i'd so neatly forgotten...and then remembered.
No one should be living in guilt around here.
i had ... brain fart. i had a dream last night that i was at a shalomish type hotel and there were mad new people, more like a family of three brothers for the YAs, some adults and shiiit.
and the backyard was more like 58 thunder mountain road with the cemetary in the backyard evetually, if you go far enough back.
the muscley and awkward brothers accused/asked me if i had taken a mattress fro the night before sleeping in a tent (which is ironic since i left my comforter there last time) i didn't take it and fuck them but it was an uncomfortable situatu=ion because i called mom and she said something about having it.
i left.
i wanted to climb a tree with evan and debbie
earlier in the dream debbie was wearing her birthday dress and decided to expand her horizons, risk something, and try climbing with evan.
i knew time was running out and it was the end of the retreat (it was a douche one) or something and i kept falling asleep..
the tree debbie and evan were climbing...it was dead. the tree next to them i tried had branches widely spread out etc. and was a pine, i started but it was like there was a ceiling (i liken it to the top of my room now-astral body movement much?) and i got stuck, but then moved through the layer of the ceiling to the roof, then on, but then climbed back down because i had done it, in essence and i didn't like this tree and wanted to climb with Evan and Debbie.
it was a thin branched, dead tree bending over but they were succeeding it looked difficult
alex woke me up on the phone. i beleive the two of us vanquished a nightmare from the past. it only gets better from here.

(on the bus, the neutral party walks down the aisle and drops a note into my bag.)
*Z*E

Beautiful Girl
    Forgive the fractured
you've been loved by
  Slideshow pictures
    shifting, changing
nameless angels
won't forget you
love to know
    their company suits you
but the winds of
    sin and sand, will tear
that dreamer    from your
hand, to safer lands, please
                                     try to understand.
"oh woman share your fire
 with me. My heart is cold and
my soul is free."
-EN

all i see are animals around.

i just don't want to be with you anymore
our times together were meant to be, and were great, but our delivery from each other was meant to be as well.
STOP messaging me.
STOP trying to justify what you did. i don't care anymore. So, you realized again that I was "the only good friend you had". Well good job you fucked it up, cuz you weren't a good friend to me.

-I'm on my way home on the bus. We're getting in around 12 a.m. weather and traffic permitting, just announced.
Boston looks like New York here, with the black kids playing basketball on a court. I wonder if this old lady in front of me is bothered by my chewing.
She looks like she's letting it get under her skin.

p.s. Alexis has some fabulous music! (as im blogging im listening)
p.s.s Erica if your reading this i don't know how to get you the FUCK off my livejournal friends list, so I'm going to let you take care of that.

so..where was i; i wrote this on the bus. God knows I had enough time. a ten hour bus ride.
Fun. Ohhhhhhhhhh, wait, not fun.
Erica's going to talk about me, no doubt. I wouldn't expect much else from her. That's her bad. I'm not what she would say of me. It won't make the guilt go away, girl...
Oh well. I tried, man.
I think she was too busy trying to think herself better than me, or scared my presence was going to overpower, to really see me at all.
I tried. And I don't regret trying to love.
Even ZoE, a neutral party, saw. Or rather, especially look to the neutral party, ZoE, for the objective view! She saw me trying to be heard, to recieve thers, to be human, and me getting hurt. Like everything i did was wrong. Hate isn't the opposite of love, apathy is.
 Way to never love me, Erica.
ZoE was smart enough to get out of there. And Brandon. And Nate. And Ashley. And me.
I'm glad ZoE loved me, and Spoon a.k.a. Matt. Evangeline is Erica's lover, what more should I expect from her but to acquiesce. As it is they had an unhealthy relationship.
And too bad I tried to love an emotional cripple. Yea, I don't see evangeline disagreeing with erica over a friend she knew through erica. She doesn't know me at all. (As Alexis later pointed out.)
I can't wait to see my Shalom family, and just see and talk to everyone. Be received as a human. Some of them knew this was desintegrating.
And to think that I asked people at shalom to talk to erica, even though that should happen naturally and wasn't.. there were times when I saw her there and the thought was like a beacon in my head, a lighthouse horn from the rainy and foggy seas, "she doesn't belong here". The feeling of the mixing was always just a little off.
Ten minutes after leaving shalom this last time (memorial weekend) with erica in the car, we pull up the side of taco bell or something, and meet up with Debbie, Arianna and others by chance. I felt, like a jarring shove, the difference between my sisters and my "friendship" with erica. The betch snaps at me to turn around, "i paid for that food." What the fuck? As if I were going to drive away forever or as if it weren't simple enough to turn around after saying hello to my real sisters. Ten minutes and your a bitch to your friend? I'm sure shalom helped you any. There was no helping you, bitch. What an indicator that you never fit in there.
Ew, and i love how you boast material possessions don't matter to you, but that's all you think about. No, really. i have too many examples.I'm done with this. and I'm done with her, thank god. She's just not cut out for healthy friendship or family. i hope I never see her again.
I think once upon a time
she was afraid I was going to push her away. it's kind of funny she was the one to push me away.

-Do you blame me for your inability to speak?
When I listened and spoke about anything you wanted?
When nothing you felt was wrong, and I supported anything you did?
I lift up my times with you, and there is the rotten interior, squirming with parasites.
Your self-hate will ruin any relationship.
I guess when you mature, if you do, feel free to come see me...but until then don't bother me.
i walk away as you repeat your mistakes over and over., and your problems cycle and churn.
I am no longer a part of your problems.

I wrote this on a ripped paper bag in the bus station while i waited two hours or so for the next bus.
turned out to help in the phone conversation. umm i needto get out this shit so i've said it and i can sleep.
Tasia to Erica.
Our friendship is over.
it has been for awhile.
We were friends when we needed to be. I tried, man, but it's no good.
You held my very presence against me. were we ever friends? How close did you let me ever be?
We're over. it felt weird calling you a sister and now i see why. You're not worth it.
You make me feel like crap and i deserve better. If you can't even care enough to get out of the car to say bye, it says a lot about who you are and our relationship. Well fuck you overrr. You would just try to minimize my feelings. I listened to what you had to say and always tried to move forward, and you take what i feel and try to pretend like it doesn't exist, as if what i feel is wrong. No, you don't treat me like a friend.
you turn what i say into other things and its bullshit.
you're just like Bob, your selfish. Maybe if you learn not to take out your feelings on your friends....come see me sometime. but until then, don't bother me at all.
I'm apathetic towards you and you aren't going to hurt me.
OUR FRIEND-SHIP IS OVERTURNED and SUNK.

(on the back)
-Sure, we talked about your problems, but you never outgrew them. As you've said, you repeat. Especially with me. you need to outgrow your shit.

Oh natural.
I won't forget.
i shed these tears so that i am free.
I am unashamed that I feel, and that time, and you, pulled us apart.

over a lifetime, an average person spends more than six years dreaming clocking more than 136, 000 in all.

from awhile ago

-I don't want to be here
I can pnly show you a good time
It echoes through the past and through my mind
a rainy day
I just had to say...
I don't want to be here
We want to be so real

referring to a rainy horribly depressed day at home.
here i go now, for the weekend.
:D

i remember when tania and i had that butterfly wings made out of cardboard and silver paper, and red and ble marker circles..babushka made it. I wonder, now, what her real name was??
She was an amazing woman. I would say I miss her, but its not that. I just wish her well is all.

i went to the top of the mountain today, alone.
'Twas probably the most spiritually cleansing thing I could've done today. I searched the woods, mentally calling out for a tree to allow me to climb it. I found one.
There were a ton of small dead branches I picked off the branches. Dead ones if you just brushed against they'd fall off. Not so many it was ridiculous. Just a one here and there. It was really fun. Kind of a metaphor as well for breaking off the small shits that didn't work in my life.
Um, talked to Erica just now, about cuddle buddies. I LOVE that shyt. It's a joining of the heart chakras; a healing; and thus, intimacy. Intimacy is actually just the joining of the heart chakras. I was afraid Shayla would have a problem if we continued cuddling-but thats a weird control thing inherent in some relationships that I'm just wary of. I would rather respect them two if they decided on that, but its really not necessary. Michael once described how he could only ever choose one person and give that kind of energy to ever, and if that's his choice I can definitely respect and understand that.
Though intimacy should not be restricted to relationships where there is an official title. I can receive intimacy from family members, from soul-siblings, from friendships. its love.
 Its a personal thing, as well. Michael cant; i can be generous with my healing energy, and I like to cuddle with close friends. I think If you restrict it, you can become emotionally starved, in a way. its love, really. For instance, if i don't like you, I just can't be intimate. I won't.
anyway. I cant wait to get back my pohone, and call evan. i'll have to get past some phone awkwardness, but its not impossible to look over. This is mucho importante. I've been carrying this bracelet around, in a sense sharing all my experiences through and with it.
Like with my Soul-plant.
...
I wish there were a more elegant word for "plant", a smooth sounding word. "Diarrhea" would be perfect but it already has a meaning...we all know the meaning ... but what a smooth and beautiful word! What a fakken shame. PLant plant plaaaaaaaaaaaant. oh well.
I'm glad that I've turned this bracelet into something joyful. For me?

p.s. this picture is such a representation of so many people's lives. the blahblah almost mechanical attempt at communication on the bottom and the secret enjoyment of the true soul on top. now, which is above...?

i called alex the other day, about the past, after i awoke from my nightmare.

he started to cry. so did i, i guess.
good.
its over. i have closure.

im either going to fall asleep or im going to CRawl along the forest floor
in the moss growling
and sticks smelling the earth and skyy

..sd,m

i finished that song

"worth it"

i got the sweetest farmers tan


aahha

im sleeping looking at the sckreen

wait


what

there are many things that i would like to say
but i cant find the words
anywhere..
um, so yea. im actually pretty lazay about putting the mdown right now.
ugh, SO much HAPPENS in a day, in a way. which is gay, i must say, by the bay. Truly...homo.
FUKKEN..."shitfaced". So, anyway, played the booming drumset in the dome room with Emma today, practicing Meditative Storm" segwaying into 'imagine' and fading into that jazz piece- I'm excited to be playing with a true musician that I'm able to truly connect and communicate with, as its supposed to be!
I love how she is moved so by both creating and hearing the music, its so honest and shining from her green, green eyes, looking over the piano as we nod to each other, smiling like idiots on our intruments. Improvising and laughing
What did I want to say...
It's odd how jaded I feel sometimes,  next to some of my friends.
what the hell- i doing all these things i do to be happy, but somehow I always end up in this melancholy state!
So I talked to shayla today and erica and i hope they make a splendid match. the end.
I talked to emma about ben, and i was struck cold by the similiarities. She described all the things in high school i felt about a mister. Kookookachoo. Things i didnt know how to word, even to myself -not that i had anyone to talk about it with other than myself, honestly. Her situation, she didn't do anything wrong, but was left feeling unattractive, creepy and self-doubting. She's one of the coolest, most genuine people i know, so thats incredibly...maddening. The thing is that he's creating the entire problem through miscommunication. Its maddening because she honestly finds him cute, so she feels open to him on a couple of levels. And she is so cautious to open herself like that at all.
 Who he is, as a human being, is attractive to her. She sees so much that they could have real conversations about, it isn't just that he's "hot" or whatever. I remember voicing the same sentiments, and to me they sounded petty or evasive to some inherent problem in myself. But no. Even as she said 'this sounds so stupid" it's not. It's not at all. It's not. at all. This is probably, besides family, one of the reasons why I find myself in melancholy states. I was, in a sense, rejected from one of the first persons I found myself genuinely curious about. I know, Emma. Fukken...fuck that though, woman. ur better.
Irony upon irony, Eric kept leaving commentizzzles about coming to this festival im holding at school tomorrow. How sickening and singularly displacing would it be if he came here? I just hope I never see that FUCKER again. That's senseless pain I don't need to relive. Knowing me, I'll either be detached and cold, or just obnoxious. Either way is a way away from feeling vulnerable in front of him. FACK!
 She left me feeling amazing when she said she noticed today about how I seem to help others to do what they really want all the time, especially with relationships. She meant it, and in the offhand way where she speaks a truth she sees, just so you can know and share it with her.

Speaking of which, Michael the Jew showed up outside my door, knocked, and then just jumped out to surprise. I never really realized it, but sometimes when I mention hanging out with other people down the hallway or something the sparkle in his eye sort of fades and he becomes hesitant. Has he had bad experiences with that before..? Its interesting to note that he's shy to meet new people that are friends of a friend. as per example, meeting Shayla through me.
Once in the situation he's fine, but there's no need to worry b/c a) i wouldn't leave him high and dry with my friends, and
b)my friends are generally not the kind to make you feel bad about yourself in the first place.
He has a month to go before his girlfriend chooses him or no. As we were saying, its the waiting period that's the worst. I have a month before things are worked out in person. ...and i have my PERIOD now, a monthly cycle. woah, psychadelic man.


With Emma, Michael and me just before...NOt sleeping since im typing, the bracelet came up.
He's on my mind a lot recently, like a pang every now and then. Or a  tug, and I turn to look and find that I'm staring out across the mountains. Across the mists.
I wouldn't mind just upping and soaring out into the horizon. So, Everyone wants to fly. 'Tis not a crime to want it, in my own way. I can practically feel it; the hot spring air roaring past my ears and pressing against my skin as I turn wildly in the air. My laughter bursting out from me, breathless, until I realize that I can just enjoy this gift of flying without trying to laugh or give back in some way all the time.

I smell the healthy wood, I smell the heavy canvas and the grass. And upon the moist night air; I smell the tepee. Oh, Jesi, oh.. Evan.
At the fair trade presentation- there was this HUGE obnoxious tent with food, and a terribly generic rock band right above it. Celebrating. Why are you celebrating a building that's going to be finished being built in or junior year IF they're lucky, why next to a Fair Trade awareness presentation, WHY right then and right next to them. trying to distract/detract, no doubt. Obnoxious but stupid, too. It actually served to draw students towards the Fair Trade.
me and erica were jamming on the djembes and came up with this
"This is, fair trade,
as opposed to
rocking out at some
obnoxious picnic"
very leTigre.
oh, we brought the crowds.

pz